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"So,
on behalf of the Denver Campsite Girls,
please accept these cookies,
along with our endorsement for State Assembly".
Well, that is so nice.
- Hey. - Hey.
Hi.
- Oh, wow, that's a lot of cookies. - Yeah.
Good thing I brought home a diary cow.
The, uh, the Campsite Girls endorsed me.
Congratulations. Uh, well, speaking of endorsements,
- what about the teachers union? - Should be any day now.
Yeah. So, uh, so how was bowling?
- Oh, it was super awesome. - Mm-hmm.
I think we might win the church tournament this year.
Oh, babe, you always have so much fun when we go bowling.
You know who didn't have any fun? The pins.
They just stood there.
Okay, excuse me.
I bowled a 150.
Wow, that's the best you've ever done.
Over three games.
Wow, that's the best you've ever done.
All right, well, we got to go.
Thank you for the ride, Dad.
Oh, you mind if we, um... ?
Yeah, help yourself, go ahead.
Not the Ginger Bunnies!
Well, looks like it's gonna be
another embarrassing year for Team Baxter.
Oh, yeah, who cares?
It's a church fundraiser. Why do you have
to make everything so competitive?
Because losing is like death.
You know, when the girls were little,
we did these tournaments just for fun.
But then once they got good and started winning,
you forgot about fun.
Are you saying Mandy's a good bowler?
Hell yeah.
She's got the wingspan of a pterodactyl.
Literally, when she lets that ball go,
she's already at the pins.
I'll have to challenge her
- to a game sometime. - Yep.
You bowl?
Oh, yeah.
And I'm really, really good.
I love the sound when I get a strike.
It's like an explosion.
Yeah.
How many times during a match do you get that explosion?
Hmm, eight or nine.
- God, I miss it. - Yeah.
No, Mike.
Yes, Vanessa.
You already have Kyle on the team.
There's a mechanical horse out front of the bowling alley.
I'll give him some quarters. He'll be happy.
No!
Hey, Paul, got a minute to talk?
Well, I was praying, but you're here,
so that didn't work.
Listen, that was a great service today.
You know, I missed Alice, though, on the organ, you know?
She really jams on "Amazing Grace", huh?
Yeah.
Poor thing had to have carpal tunnel surgery.
Oh, yeah, I heard about that.
And with the bowling tournament coming up,
she won't be able to bowl.
Heck, heck, heck.
And she's your top scorer.
Heckity-heck, heck.
That was a fun skit, Mike. What do you want?
I don't want anything. I-I'm here to help.
Listen, if you need an extra player,
I'm willing to let Kyle go.
Well, I've seen Kyle bowl, and as a pastor,
I know I'm not supposed to pass judgement,
but he sucks.
Wasn't the sermon today
about how the congregation is just one big family?
I thought you were napping.
I dip in and out.
But since he's joining the ministry,
he's actually part of the church family.
You know, Mike, Jesus hung out with the lepers
and the prostitutes, but nobody likes a bad bowler.
Yeah, but Jesus never got a chance to bowl.
I mean, they won't rent you shoes
if you're not wearing socks.
- Oh, hey, Mr. B. - Hey.
- Rev P. - Hey, Kyle.
I'm just returning the Sunday school books.
You know, Kyle, we were just talking about you,
and how important you've become to the church family.
And you are.
But not near as important as you are to the Baxter family.
No, no, no, no, no. I'm just saying that, you know,
with the bowling tournament coming up, if... if the reverend
needs you on the church team, I'm not gonna stand in your way.
Oh, I can't let you do that, Mike.
How would it look if you're more
self-sacrificing than your pastor?
It would look like the pastor's sermons
have hit their mark.
That's something to pray on.
Yeah, but, uh...
Would you look at that.
Mike and I fighting over who gets you on their team.
Yeah, sounds like the loser gets Kyle.
Okay, I'm gonna tell you the truth.
As a bowler, you're terrible.
Yeah, you know, it's not news to me...
but it still hurts to hear.
But as a person,
I can't think of anybody I'd rather have on my team.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, I won't let you down, Reverend.
Oh, it's not me.
God's the captain of our team.
No pressure.
Hey, did you guys see this?
Uh, there's a prison break in Cañon City.
"Prison Break in Cañon City"?
That's my favorite song by Johnny Cash.
Yeah, I guess the guy was from Denver.
They think he might be headed this way.
Oh. I don't think we have anything to worry about.
It says here this guy is nonviolent and 85.
- Ooh. 85? - Huh.
Maybe it wasn't an escape. Maybe he just wandered away.
Yeah.
He's not on the run. He's more on the shuffle.
They had to call out the FBI and the AARP.
You know... you two are hilarious.
You should get a podcast that no one listens to.
What was that? Is he mad?
No, no. When he's mad, he slams the door.
Okay.
- Hey. - Hey, Mike.
Uh, I was told Kyle was up here.
I wanted to give him his bowling shirt.
He told me you put him on the team.
You're a better man than I.
Well, what can I say?
It was a low bar.
Why, uh... why do you have two shirts?
Oh, well, with Alice recovering from her surgery,
her husband decided he didn't want to bowl without her.
You know, they're one of those couples
likes to do everything together.
Gross.
Yeah, so a second spot on the church team opened up,
and luckily I know another couple
who insists on doing everything together.
Oh, no, you didn't.
Oh, yes, I did.
You took my pterodactyl?
Hey, Dad. You hear I got drafted?
You-you can't. Y-You're on Team Baxter.
You know, the people that didn't leave you at the Grand Canyon
that year you were being such a pain in the ass?
Yeah, I know, I know,
but when Kyle joined the church team, I had to join.
A wife can't be compelled to bowl against her husband.
It is the law.
I'm a Holy Bowler.
- I picked the name. - Yeah.
It's gonna look good on a trophy.
I'll see you, Mike.
So, all this time
I've been trying to make friends with the wrong guy.
Hey there.
You remember, me, Mike Baxter, from the '80s, right?
"And I promise to uphold the standards and ideals
of this august body".
I'm preparing a statement for when
the teachers union gives me their endorsement tomorrow.
Well, aren't we the confident one?
Well, you know, Mike, I'm a single-issue candidate.
If I can't get the teachers, my other speech is, "Buh-bye".
Well, I got you something all the teachers I know love:
booze.
- Fancy. - Yeah.
Wow, what's the occasion?
Well, a husband doesn't need any occasion
to give his wife a little treasure like that.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean "occasion". I meant, "What do you want?"
Why does everybody think I want something
just because I'm being nice?
Because you need a reason.
So this doesn't have anything to do
with Mandy switching from Team Baxter to Team Jesus?
Uh, y-you heard about that, huh?
Uh, yeah, yeah. You know, thanks for the wine,
but I am not bowling for your team.
Give me one good reason.
You're a crazy person when it comes to competition.
All you care about is winning.
There's no fun in it.
Wow. You really had those ready, didn't you?
Well, there's nothing wrong with winning.
You wanted to win the state assembly, right?
Yeah, which is why I don't need another thing on my plate
- that feels like life and death, okay? - This isn't gonna be
life and death. This is gonna be fun, fun, fun.
- Really? - Yes.
I mean, it could be fun, fun, fun... fun.
Ah, what do I have to do to get you to do this?
You could say, "It doesn't matter..."
- Uh-huh. - "... if we win or lose".
Okay. Okay.
You have to say it.
Oh. It doesn't...
It doesn't matter...
blah... if we...
What?!
Eh, it doesn't matter if we... l-l-lose,
lo...
Lose, lose, lose. You happy?
Yeah. Now, that was fun, fun, fun.
Hey, you guys. So, uh, Mike,
Kris tells me you need some bowlers.
Reporting for duty.
I didn't know you bowled.
Yeah, growing up in Canada,
I was on the high school curling team.
Pretty sure it's the same skill set.
No, Mr. Maple Leaf, it's not.
Sliding a teakettle filled with concrete
across a frozen lake is not even in the same ballpark.
You need bowlers for Team Baxter.
- Yeah. - It's a family tournament. I'm family.
- What's the problem? - I don't want to take a chance
on somebody who's never bowled before.
Oh, really? And why is that?
Uh, because winning is the only thing that matters?
No. No, it has nothing to do with winning.
It's not winning. This is more...
more of a... a-a safety issue.
Okay, how about this?
A bowl-off between Jen and me.
Winner joins Team Baxter.
Jen, Jen, are you really a good bowler?
I'm a great bowler.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right, little bowl-off.
Winner on Team Baxter.
Not that winning is everything. The important thing...
that we only have...
I can't believe they still haven't found
that old guy who escaped.
They should set up a roadblock
around every early bird special in town.
Hey, what's the matter? You looking for Ed?
No, I'm just afraid we hurt his feelings
because of all the old jokes.
No, no, no, no. Ed's got a thick skin.
And a dancer's body.
I think about Ed too much.
He's got to see the humor in the situation, right?
- Mm. - I mean, they're gonna have to
chase this guy down on his walker.
They might have to shoot out one of his tennis balls.
- Maybe we should start a podcast. - Yeah.
Morning, Ed.
Morning there, Ed.
I can't hear you because I'm old.
Hardy-har-har-har.
Ed, none of that stuff was personal.
We weren't talking about you.
I get it. Jokes are jokes, and old men are funny.
Well, not as funny as old ladies.
Rapping old ladies are really funny.
Yeah, yeah. Hey, give me a beat.
Oh, yeah, okay.
♪ My name is Gladys and I'm here to say ♪
♪ I'm the rapping-est grandma in the U.S.A. ♪
I'm married to your grandmother.
I'm sure she'd find
your insulting little ditty hilarious.
His name is Ed, and I'm sad to say
he's really pissed at us today.
Okay, one game. That's ten frames.
Winner joins Team Baxter.
Loser is gonna be Ryan.
So, you guys have bowling shoes?
Thanks, but I, uh, brought my curling flats.
- Hmm. - Teflon sole,
detachable grip slider, Velcro laces.
So, uh, yeah, I think I'm good.
All right. Wipe the floor with him.
You got it.
I feel very confident in my ability.
Although, the lanes seem a lot longer than I expected.
Kind of an odd thing to say
for somebody who's a great bowler.
Actually, an odd thing to say for any bowler.
Oh, no, no, no. I've bowled a ton.
This is just my first time in a non-virtual bowling alley.
So, you've only played bowling online?
You've never played real bowling? I mean, I...
- Mm-hmm. - I play Madden football.
Doesn't mean I could quarterback for the New York Jets.
Actually, I probably could quarterback for...
Fighter pilots learn to fly on flight simulators.
It's the same thing.
Holy... ball!
Why is it so heavy?
Listen, Ryan, I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I'm relying on you.
All right, you want me to go first?
Show everybody how it's done?
Yeah, you go first. I'm not ready.
They're all heavy?
For the love of God, somebody bowl.
What are you doing?
I don't know. The environment's off.
I mean, can they make it colder in here?
It's physics.
I just need to pivot far enough back
so that gravity is...
I've never been happier seeing you in my life.
Please show these guys how to bowl.
Restore my faith in humanity.
No, I think I'm just gonna watch tonight.
You definitely don't want to watch this.
I don't really feel like bowling right now.
What's the matter?
I heard from the teachers union.
Um, didn't get the endorsement.
Damn it. Damn it.
Well, uh, you know, it's-it's not a big deal.
- Yeah, it is. - Um...
Campaign's over, honey.
I-I'll see you at home.
Honey, listen, listen. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Wait a minute. - I hit a pin!
That's good. Except it's in the wrong lane.
- Hey, babe. - Hi.
How you doing?
Fine. Fine. I am, uh...
I'm just writing my concession speech,
but autocorrect keeps changing everything into "duck".
You know, I thought I was gonna get the sad Vanessa.
I got the mad Vanessa.
Look, I-I just can't believe they picked Theresa Osgood.
I mean, she stole my ideas. She wasn't even talking
- about education until I came along. - Right.
- You have every reason to be mad at Theresa. - No. You know what?
No. No, I'm not mad at her.
I am... I am mad at myself.
Look, I-I didn't get into this thing to win.
It-it was supposed to be about my ideas,
and now suddenly I turned into you.
Let's try to remember
we're mad at Theresa.
Look, I accomplished my goal.
Education is being talked about by the front-runner.
Why isn't that enough?
Because we all want to win. It's in our nature.
You know, I-I ran three yellow lights
and cut through a gas station to see if I could beat you home.
You know what? It's-it's just amazing
how easy it is to be seduced by winning,
and you-you lose sight of what's really important.
You know what? I...
I'm gonna call Theresa Osgood and offer her my support.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I support the teachers,
and-and they support her.
Yeah, just 'cause you're out of the race doesn't mean
- your ideas have to be. - Yeah.
I mean, I'm doing the right thing.
So why don't I feel better?
Honey, honey.
If it helps, I'm proud of you.
You're doing something I would never do.
Oh, God.
It's a lot of work to be good.
Why so easy being bad?
That's probably a good question for the reverend.
Mm.
He's a bad person.
We're sorry if we offended you the other day.
You know, we didn't think that making fun of some old convict
would hurt your feelings.
Oh, really? You didn't think mocking an older gentleman
would ruffle my feathers, huh?
No, because we don't think of you as old.
Or a lot.
I personally think of you an appropriate amount.
Well, the truth of the matter is I am old,
and it's no picnic.
We're the last group that it's safe to make fun of.
Y-You have no idea how hard it is
to be old in America, do you?
You have my condolences.
- Anyway, uh, we did a little research. - Mm-hmm.
Turns out Bill Connelly... uh, th-that's the convict...
turns out he's a pretty impressive guy.
Yeah, this is his third escape.
His first one was when he was 72.
He didn't even start a life of crime
until he was 65.
What we're trying to say is that you can be a badass at any age.
I know he's a criminal,
but I can't help but admire the guy.
I wish him well.
And actually, his crimes aren't all that bad.
He's more of a... a Robin Hood type.
Uh-huh, meaning what? What, what?
Um, he only stole from the very rich.
Pardon me?
It turns out he didn't even need the money.
- He was just doing it for fun. - Yeah.
It's fun to steal from the rich?
Well, in that case,
I hope the old geezer breaks a hip,
chokes on a butterscotch and goes straight to hell.
Hey, hey.
Saw your team warming up.
Listen, you don't need to go to church tomorrow,
'cause tonight, my team's gonna bowl the sin out of you.
You can use substitutes for curse words,
but I know what you mean, and bless your little heart.
Uh, Reverend.
Hey, uh, don't split,
because I am not going to spare you.
Those are pretty good puns, actually.
You know, you must be feeling better
or you finished that wine I gave you.
No, no, I called Theresa Osgood,
and she admitted that she stole my ideas.
Well, bless her little heart.
Yeah. When I talked to her,
she said that since I know them better,
you know, because they're mine,
uh, that if she wins,
- uh, she will make me her education liaison. - All right.
- So, just... Let's be clear here. - Yeah.
She stole your ideas,
but we still get to keep the cookies.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Now I'm ready for some fun.
Well, I hope you don't mean bowling,
'cause Team Baxter already has four players.
"Kristin, Jen, Ryan, Vanessa".
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
There's no Mike Baxter on Team Baxter?
Well, you know, this bowling used to be fun,
and I think it should be fun again.
- Huh? - Mike.
Oh.
Wow.
Hey. Ryan, wow. Love your shoes.
Oh, thanks. They're curling flats.
Yeah, I brought the broom, too, but probably not gonna use it.
Hey, Mr. B?
Can I have another quarter?
All right.
Why don't you take the whole roll.
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man,
talking about winners and losers...
not to be confused with right and wrong.
Now, would it be nice if doing the right thing
and winning was always... went hand in hand?
It would also be nice if ice cream got you ripped.
But I know you're winners. You know how I know?
Because you're listening to me.
Sometimes, we can spot a winner pretty quickly,
like in 40 seconds if it's Conor McGregor
coming at you across The Octagon.
Look out, Cowboy.
Or sometimes,
we might need overtime to crown a champ.
And sometimes, we'll never find out who won.
Welcome to Iowa caucus.
"Uh, I forgot how to count".
You know, they say history is written by the winners,
but it's really written by historians.
And before we call them winners,
one of them should have to go out and get a girlfriend.
Speaking of history,
Roman philosopher Seneca once said,
"Admire those who attempt great things
even though they fail".
Another philosopher,
Green Bay Packer Vince Lombardi, said, "Show me a good loser,
and I'll show you a loser".
Hmm. Seneca won more debates,
but Lombardi won more championships.
Now, sometimes, as Americans,
our obsession with winning and losing
can make us lose sight of what's right and wrong.
I'm talking to you, Houston Astros.
As Marcus Aurelius said,
"If it's not right, don't do it.
If it's not true, don't say it".
And that, my friends, is the truth.
Just saying. Baxter out.
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